Two days before I was to leave for Poland to help with the Ukrainian refugees- I received healing from what I will call “ICU trauma”.
In one instant, I saw all of the patients that I had taken care of -who had died. And there were so many of them. And when I saw them all at the same time, I wanted to scream.
The pain was too deep and too sudden. Never in my life my heart and soul hurt that deeply…
I never realized that each death made an imprint in my heart and I carried the pain of so many patients.
When I worked as an ICU nurse, I thought I was emotionally tough. I thought I handled the pain well.
I thought reading, writing, and times at the beach healed and erased the pain. Maybe those things dulled it and numbed it- but the pain was still there- buried deep inside me.
The following poem I wrote few years ago- because the number one question people asked me when they found out that I worked in ICU was “Have you seen someone die” or something about death.
I Saw Death
I saw death…
Sometimes it came so gently
It came slowly, and there was not rush
At other times it was so gruesome, bloody
Sometimes it came so fast and was so harsh
I saw death…
I saw how loved ones wept
And I saw parents lose their only daughter
Death came, for loved ones it cared not
Death children before parents sometimes takes
I saw death...
Death came for that young woman
And to her mother, doctors said “No hope”
Her mother simply would not have it
She wanted us to fight and death prevent
I saw death…
And death and life a vicious battle fought
Death did not win that day,
But life was wounded
That life exists, but life it could not live
I saw death…
Sometimes a death a gift of life would give
A gift to someone who’s a stranger
A transplant, and a chance to live
Through death sometimes somebody else would live
I saw death…
I cared for dying patient
And later on connected I the dots
This other patient for whom I was caring
My other patient’s organ had received
I saw death…
I saw how patients waited
I saw how much they struggled just to breathe
A transplant desperately they needed
Some lived, received it, others are now gone
I saw death…
And death me has reminded
That life is short
It is a gift from God
Our days are numbered, never guaranteed
And before God, each one of us will stand
I saw death...
It wounded many people
It separated loved ones mercilessly
It caused such grief, such pain, And so much heartache
And seeing this, sometimes my mind made numb
I saw life
That life were many patients
Who did survive, who lived, left ICU
They sometimes would come back and simply thank us
For all the hard work daily that we do
That life
Those many, many patients
Those smiles, the very grateful hearts
They would encourage us and keep us going
To work where it, at times can be so hard
This week we celebrate nurses and all the hard work they do. The things the nurse experiences can inflict pain and leave scars on the nurses heart.
Today, I want to share how I was healed from the pain that I never even realized I carried deep inside. If you are interested, keep reading.
Facing the Pain I Never Knew I Carried
On Monday, February 28th, 2022, I woke up shortly after 4 am- very suddenly. I instantly knew that I needed to go to living room, and I knew something was going to happen.
I came to the living room with my Bible, notebook… but found it difficult to concentrate.
I then remembered that I still had some photos from ICU that I needed to delete. Actually, I knew I needed them deleted since last year, but something held me back; it’s like I was tied to those photos. I did not want to let go then.
While those photos where not of patients, I knew the patient who was in the room. I had taken photos of equipment/life support, and other things. And by looking at those photos- I knew who these belonged to. I knew that those patients had died.
At that moment, it was like I felt God standing in the room, waiting for me to delete the photos. I knew that I absolutely needed to delete those photos that moment.
I deleted those photos, and I thought I would feel better. Instead, my mind was flooded with so many of my patients that died. In one instant I saw them all.
You know how if you shake a carbonated drink and open it, it just floods everywhere? This is how it felt like. Like some plug was removed from inside me, and the things that were inside where under so much pressure, that they came out instantly, and with force.
Very few patients died on my shift, and somehow, I had deceived myself into thinking that if they did not die on my shift, then it should not hurt as much. But when I would find out later on that so and so died- it still hurt.
I swallowed hard, or quickly numbed the pain and moved on. ICU is no place for grieving. There are other patients to take care of.
Like every other ICU nurse, I put on a tough face and moved on, not realizing that each death -the pain -made on imprint on my heart.
It’s one thing to find out that the patient you had previously taken care of die from time to time… but to see them all at one time- was very drastic and awfully painful.
Never in my life have I wanted to scream so bad like I wanted to in that moment. The pain was excruciating. But I live with roommates and I did not want to wake everyone up. All I could do was say “Jesus take the pain away from this one, and that one, and this one…” Over and over again.
I worked in ICU as a nurse for almost 10 years, and if only 5 of my patients died a year, that’s already 50 patients. There were so many of them.
After the initial “explosion” of seeing them all at once, I saw them one by one- until I gave the pain to Jesus.
I saw eyes of a patient who never received a lung transplant- and died few weeks after I had taken care of her.
I saw 2 mothers who had lost their sons being wheeled out of ICU because they physically could not leave the body.
I saw scenarios and patients and families… and with each picture again and again I would say “Jesus take the pain away of this one too, and that one…”
I was restless at first and was quietly crying the entire time.
After about an hour the pain had ceased, though pictures of patients kept coming to me until Jesus took the pain away from each one.
I felt so much lighter, like a weight was taken off me. The weight that I did not know I carried inside of me. I was freed from the pain of so many deaths and sad ICU cases that day.
And yet, I still felt like my heart was “raw” after that experience. Like the wound was not yet healed completely. My heart was still tender and ached.
The Grace of Receiving Healing
During this process, I heard alarm clocks of my roommates go off from time to time. Yet no one opened the door, no one got out of their room until 8 am- when I was already better.
God gave me that day not only healing, but also the gift of privacy. I was able to deal with that ICU trauma with Him and not wake anyone up or be questioned by anyone- why I was crying.
But I started to question if I was truly ready to go to Poland- for I was supposed to leave only 2 days after this. How could I help ease someone’s pain I thought, when my heart is still aching?
I shared this experience with few friends that day, and later on I called Andrew Wommack Prayer Line for a prayer,
( you can check out this amazing ministry here: https://www.awmi.net/contact-us/ )
and told the person who picked up the phone that I needed prayer and that I was going to Poland on a missionary trip. This verse was released to me before praying,
“For you shall go out with joy, And be led out with peace; The mountains and the hills Shall break forth into singing before you, And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands” Isaiah 55:12
This believer who was speaking to me and had no idea what experience I just went through, gave this verse to me.
“I shall go out with joy?” It was hard to believe at that moment- yet I received that encouragement. I decided I was going to go to Poland by faith. God will take care of my heart and my pain.
The Healing Was Completed with Laughter
The next day, late Tuesday evening was the day before I was to fly out to Poland. That evening God used another situation in my life and made me see it in different light. Suddenly, that situation and how I handled it became so extremely funny to me!
I laughed and laughed and laughed that evening thinking of that other situation. I went to bed laughing and woke up laughing! The joy of the Lord had filled my heart, and my heart felt totally healed!
So complete and thorough was the healing, that I went to Poland with joy and lightness in my heart! And I came back with joy!
I received healing from the ICU pain that I did not realize I was carrying deep inside me. Many people pay thousands of money to get healing from pain or find out what is wrong with them/ what the deep issue is. I had one intense session with God Himself and was totally healed by His grace and love! Intensive Care Unit nurses sometimes need intense healing.
As I was going to Poland, I was reminded of this passage:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
Who comforts us in all our tribulation,
that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Those Who are Comforted- Can Comfort Others
In Poland, I was able to comfort so many Ukrainian refugees. Pray for so many people. So many people told me, “Thank you that you are here”. “Thank you for praying, this helps so much”. “Thank you for being here”. Many wept after I prayed for them or hugged them.
And when I saw difficult situations, or was told of horrifying stories, I gave the pain to Jesus right away.
“Jesus take the pain of this situation/ or that person/ or this”. And Jesus took the pain away- right away.
There is a limit to how much pain of others or of difficult situations we can carry. Some can carry more then others. But why carry it, when you can give it to Jesus? Why carry it, when you can walk lighter and freer, and joyful?
Give Your Pain to Jesus
I have learned that I need to give all pain to Jesus.
The pain of negative words that were hurtful and were spoken against me or to me in the past… I realized that it’s not enough to just forgive, I needed to renounced those negative words and detached myself from them and gave the pain to Jesus. And I was freed from so much insecurity that I had!
Jesus can take your pain away too. You do not have to carry it.
If you are reading this and need healing for your heart, for your soul, I would like to release a prayer for you and you can join in praying:
Father, thank You that You are the God of all comfort and consolation. Thank You that You are the Father of Mercies. Thank you Jesus that on the Cross You took our sin, our shame and experienced pain physically, emotionally, and mentally so that we can be freed and walk in Your freedom, healed and made whole. Thank You that You allowed Yourself to hang naked on the Cross to provide healing for any sexual shame or trauma we might of experienced. I place my trust in Your finished work. You are my Savior.
Jesus I give you my pain. I give you the pain of ______ and _____…. You know this hurt me deeply, but I am giving You this pain. Take this pain Jesus. Thank You Jesus for taking my pain and for healing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank that I do not have to carry this pain of rejection, depression, bitterness, death, _________, I give it to You today.
Teach me Your ways Jesus. Teach me how to deal with difficulties and trials in life. Teach me and Help me give You the pain right away. Jesus thank You for forgiving me and I too forgive every person who has wronged me. I forgive ____….
[If you have been wronged and have not forgiven that person or yourself, it is so important to forgive to receive healing. Forgive so that You can move on. Forgive like God, for Christ’s sake has forgiven you].
Jesus, I do not want to carry the weight of my sin or of pain that I saw or the pain that was inflicted to me. Thank You for taking my pain and from freeing me. Thank You for filling those areas of my heart that were hurt with Your love, peace, and comfort. Thank You for Healing me.
It is OK to cry during the healing process. It is OK to weep. And if you feel like screaming loudly will help and can do so without causing a scene- it’s ok to do so (as long as it’s not at someone).
It’s OK to take the time to think, to process your emotions. Allow yourself time for that. Don’t try to distract yourself with phone, social media, TV, etc. Allow the healing to take place.
But most importantly, give the pain to Jesus. Release yourself from this heavy burden that you are carrying, and by faith give the pain to Jesus. And thank Him for taking your pain away.
I’m freely sharing this with you, with peace and joy and love in my heart❤️. I have been healed and freed, and you can be too!!
There is no partiality with God (Romans 2:11)! What He did for me, He can do for you!!
