Singleness, Sexual Purity… and Freedom!

I was a Christian who was enslaved to sexual impurity, masturbation for over 20 years and needed deliverance

In our society- the topic of sexual purity seems to be almost a subject of mockery. After all, after the sexual revolution- it seems like everything is OK and is allowable. To say sexual pleasure is to be exercised only in marriage between a man and a woman, seems so outdated and a matter of ridicule for so many.

Just the mention of Biblical sexual purity makes many people angry.

How dare someone tell us what is OK or not OK when it comes to satisfying our bodies sexually! Honoring God with our bodies does not seem important for so many.

But does it matter what our society tells us when the bride of Jesus wants to honor Him and be presented before Him holy, pure and blameless!

I am part of the Bride of Christ, and wanted to honor God with my body. I wanted to remain a virgin, pure. Outwardly it seemed like I was so pure. Even as a 33-year-old I have never even kissed a guy. And yet in my mind and alone in my bedroom- was another story. I was a slave to masturbation and sexual fantasies.

It has been on my heart to share my testimony of my struggle with sexual purity as someone who is still single.

Many who know me, might find this shocking to hear that I not only struggled with sexual impurity and masturbation, but I was addicted to masturbation and mastered by it for so many years.

This poem- while mentioning other sins was written after I once again was mastered by masturbation and felt so ashamed and condemned.

To Be Forgiven

How vile before Your eyes my sin
My pride, my unbelief, that selfishness
My arrogance, my little love for Christ
On how my flesh does fight against Your ways

I can pretend, that I’m OK, I’m good
I can ignore the fact that I’m a sinner
I can make people only see my good
And cover up those vile things of heart

But being fake will not at all do good
For You do know those things I try to hide
Forgive me Lord, I beg you wash me clean
A contrite Spirit, Lord you won’t despise

I trusted self, I thought that I was strong
And played with sin, not thinking it was fire
Those little sins, I thought that they were small
On how they grieve the holy, eyes of God

Create in me a clean heart, holy zeal
A spirit that is right renew in me
Those things that please You not, I want them gone
Don’t want to grieve Your holy, precious Name

For me so difficult it is to comprehend 
That God so holy, magnified, so great
Himself did lower came to this earth
And shed Hid precious Blood, for our sins died

Oh Jesus you did pay that awful price!
For worthless sinners, those who You do grieve
But oh how little You are loved for that
So many do reject this gift of life

2/23/15

I, who was considered such a “good Christian” by every outward appearance could not free myself from masturbation or “solo-sex”- trying to satisfy my sexual desires outside of God’s designed way.

This is another poem I wrote as I struggled with being dominated by masturbation and sexual fantasies.

Slipping Into Sin Again 

My sin, my sin; It is so evil!
It nailed the Precious Son of God
To be a curse, of God forsaken
My sin did pierce the Son of God!

But then my flesh deceives me often
And tells me, “This one’s not as bad
This sin is small, it will not matter
God understands, He will forgive”

And then I think, “Oh I can handle,
I’ll entertain this sin a bit
But then I’ll stop, I won’t go farther”
I am so easily deceived

Before I realize the trouble
I’ve sinned against the Holy God
I’ve grieved the Precious Son of God
Despised commandments I from God 

Oh God forgive me, I beg pardon
I’ve sinned against You, grieved You much
I played with sin, but it was fire
So quickly left it me in scars

My sin, my sin, it is so wicked
Oh how I need the Blood of God!
You washed me clean, I am forgiven
But I cannot like this continue

I do not want to grieve You Father
Don’t want to think some sin’s OK
Don’t want to compromise, be callous
I want my life to be for HIM

4/3/16

Oh how I tried to get freedom from that sin!! The pleasure always ended with shame and so much condemnation.

So much guilt.

How could I, who is the temple of the Holy Spirit, defile my body- again, and again and again?

It seemed like when I sinned, my sin was so much worse than everyone else’s -because I sinned consciously- letting my lust and passions control me.. and then was crying out to God for forgiveness over and over again.

This was a cycle that happened over and over again.

This is another poem of how deeply this sin grieved me:

When I Was Grieving Deeply 

When I was grieving deeply
My sin before the Lord
It’s weight I felt so heavy
And grace I didn’t deserve

There is no condemnation 
For those who are in Christ
But I despised the Blood He shed
And sinned and sinned again

I Name of God dishonored
To self I did not die
I did my own heart’s pleasure
Too proud to seek the Lord

I didn’t deserve God’s mercy
And grace I didn’t deserve
I cried to God, forgive me
Again He sin forgave

But I still bowed there weeping
I do not want to sin
For Jesus died to save me
To save me from all sin

And yet I am defeated
By sin so often still
Because I do not love God
With all by being still

By sin I am defeated
Because I am so proud
And often grieve God’s Spirit
By seeking my own will

When I was grieving deeply
My sin before the Lord
The Lord reminded gently 
That I’m beloved still

The Lord is very pitiful
In James I read this truth
And He’s of tender mercy
Though I it don’t deserve

I was encouraged greatly
By mercy and His grace
That He still loves me greatly
And I too Him belong!

2/27/2019

I was trying to be free but did not know that all I needed was TRUTH for the truth sets one free, not our pleading to God.

I knew Jesus was the truth and the answer, but I did not know what that meant in practicality and how I could be set free. The verse whom Jesus sets free is free indeed- was simply not a reality in my life. I did not know what freedom meant and what it meant being set free in real life.

How it All Started…

I began the battle with masturbation when I was just a little girl- way before I was 9 years old- maybe I was 5 or 6 years of age- I don’t remember. It was before I knew what sex was or what I was doing.

It took years to realize that this started right after I became a prey to a pedophile, a man who took my underwear off while trying to convince an innocent girl that “it will feel good to have my underwear off”… I didn’t know what happened then- and do not remember if I was only touched inappropriately or raped, but what I know is this- after that moment- something in me awakened and I became addicted to satisfying myself sexually. And I didn’t even know what I was doing.

Years passed… I became a believer at the end of 8th grade, a follower of Jesus. I gave Him my life- but I was still not freed from being mastered by masturbation.

Then more years past… and no one knew and I had no one to turn to, I knew no one I could trust with this shameful bondage that was in my life.

Only one time I felt I could trust one elderly single Christian believer with this- as I desperately wanted freedom- but her advice was something like sharing with me how God took sexual desires away from her after she asked Him to. That did not work for me.

It was out my desperate cry for freedom and the shame that came after sinning,  where so many of my poems where born.

God created men and women in His image, to reflect Him, His image. His image is beautiful, holy, pure, compassionate, just, merciful and He is Love. Marriage was created to reflect the way Jesus loves His bride- the church.

“And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. 
So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them” Genesis 1:26-27 KJV

When sin entered into the world that image of God that was in Adam and Eve was distorted. And with that distortion came hate, insecurity, loss of identity and every possible vile sin.

God is Love and it is because He is love that He placed sexual relations in confines of a marriage between a man and a woman. It is because God is love that He wants marriages holy, pure and undefined- between a man and a woman. It is because God is Love and He knows how much we will hurt ourselves and how the Enemy will take advantage of us when we sin against His ways that He placed guidelines and told us what is OK and not OK when it comes to sexual relations.

As our Creator, God has every right to tell us what is OK and not OK to do, what is sin and not sin. But God is also LOVE and does not want us hurt by our sin. It is because God knows sin will hurt us that He placed guidelines when it comes to sexual relations.

Sexual sin is a sin against the body. When we sin sexually we sin against ourselves, our body. 

“Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body” 1 Corinthians 6:18 NKJV

The Religious Things I did to try to Set Myself Free From Masturbation and Never Do it:

I became “hyper religious” and desperately wanted to be freed from that sin.

I read the Bible pretty much every day and prayed. By age 30 I had read the entire Bible over 10 times and the New Testament many more. But that did not free me.

I went to church pretty much every time the doors where opened (twice on Sundays and on Wednesday evenings) and tried to never miss it. But that did not free me from what I did in my bed room- when no one was looking.

I made sure not to listen to any non-Christian music; but that also did not free me.

When I realized that if I watched a movie- even “innocent ones like Cinderella” – and that aroused me and made slip into that sin- I pretty much stayed away from watching movies. I could usually count on one hand how many movies I watched in a year.

I made sure not to read any romance books. Actually, I read very deep Christian/ theological books. These are just some of the books that I read:

• Books by A. W. Tozer: The Pursuit of God and The Knowledge of the Holy, The Radical Cross: Living the Passion of Christ, and The Purpose of Man: Designed to Worship
• Why Revival Tarries by Leonard Ravenhill
• The Cross Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney
• Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate by Jerry Bridges
• My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
• Gospel: Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Revolutionary  J.D. Greear 
• Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper

• Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray
• Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtue of Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney, Nancy Leigh DeMoss,
• Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control by Elizabeth Elliot,
• The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis
• The Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan
• Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot,
• The Mortification of Sin by John Owen
• The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson- while I received freedom after reading this book many years ago, I did not know how to maintain that freedom. And when the “room is empty- 7 more come in” and thus my struggle with masturbation only intensified.

I decided to include some of the books I read to show you, that I didn’t just fill my mind with stories. These are some really deep, good Christian books; I was reading really good Christian books- and yet I could not free myself from the sins that held me captive – and in a moment of weakness often slipped into sin.

Not only was I reading good books, I was also listening to sermons. Actually, I normally listened to sermons instead of music while driving, cleaning, etc.

Doing all of these- did help, but I did not receive total freedom and still would slip into the sin of masturbation in time of weakness.

Small Compromises Lead to Big Sin

As someone who was addicted to masturbation, and wanting to be freed, I could not understand why I would slip into this sin again and again.

 Sometimes we get narrow minded when we are struggling with the “big sin” and want to be freed from it but are OK with many other “smaller sins”.

What I did not realize is that when I allowed and made room for the smaller sins in life, then I would always fall into the “Bigger sin” or the “dirtier sin” of masturbation.

Wasting time on the phone, sowing to the flesh- produced the works of the flesh. When I did not guard my mind or allowed fantasies, I often slipped again and again.

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 
  For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life” Galatians 6:7-8

This poem was also written from my heart of struggle with the sin of masturbation:

I’ve Tasted

I’ve tasted, and I’ve seen
That God is truly Good
And Good He’s always been
Even when I failed Him

I’ve tasted- He is Good
But then I turned from Him
Ignored I Holy God
And did not live for Him

I’ve tasted, God is good
But my flesh, it’s so weak
I’ve tasted sin and spit
Then I again sin did

Instead of hating it
To it I was just drawn
My love for God got weak
Why did I run from Him?

I’ve tasted God is good
To Him again I come
I’m broken, and I’m weak
From me He did not turn

He still forgave my sin
And washed me again clean
I do belong to Him
For Him I want to live

11/23/15

The Hidden Sins of Self-centeredness and Pride and the Results of Them

Sometime in maybe like ~2018 I was introduced to Zac Poonen, a preacher from India. I listened to him almost every day for over a year and God started to do a radical transformation of my heart and life.

Through Zac Poonen, I saw the Word of God and the freedom in Christ through new light.

For the first time in my life, I saw how much pride was in my life and how much self-centeredness I had.

Zac Poonen was unlike any other preacher I that I listened to. Rivers of Living Waters just flowed from him. I could listen to just 15 minutes of this monotone preacher, of any part of a sermon and receive so much spiritual food. My eyes began to open to what being a Christian really meant and the importance of being Christ-centered and what it truly meant.

SIN SHALL NOT HAVE DOMINION OVER ME!

I heard Zac Poonen share his testimonies of believing God’s Word- that sin shall not have dominion over him and how he proclaimed that verse specifically. He struggled with anger in the past and would declare by faith, “The sin of anger shall NOT have dominion over me” (from Romans 6:14) even when he slipped into it again and again. He would stand on that verse, that sin shall not have dominion over him until he received and walked in victory- no matter how much he was triggered by others. 

I started to stand on that verse and started to see a change, a progress. Masturbation used to be the sin I did almost every day or most of the days of the week, but after listening to countless of Zac Poonen’s messages and practicing what I learned- I began to see victory. I was slipping into the sin of masturbation only 1-2 times per month.

Progress and Victory Does not Mean Freedom

But one time is too many. I did not want to just see progress. I wanted FREEDOM.

Another thing I learned from Zac Poonen is the importance of being honest before God.

Admitting to God “I do this sin because I love it/ love how it makes me feel in the moment” because if I did not love it I would not be doing it. And then asking God to take the desire to sin away, and give me love for righteousness and hate for every sin.

One day, after I listened to a message by Zac Poonen, You Tube recommended “as my next video that I might be interested in” and sermon by Derek Prince.

At that time I had never heard of Derek Prince, but the title of the message caught my attention. It was something about deliverance from demonic oppression and suddenly something inside me really wanted to listen to it.

I started listening with skepticism- after all I was taught very well that there are many “false prophets/ preachers” and I needed to be careful whom I listened to.

And then Derek Prince said a statement that absolutely shook me: “Our flesh needs to be crucified, but a demon needs to be cast out. You cannot crucify a demon”.

You cannot crucify a demon rang in my ears and suddenly my eyes were opened: I was dealing with a demon.

Derek Prince proceeded to say that most addictions- or sins from which a person is struggling to get freed from, have a demonic spirit behind them. And many Christians are trying to crucify a demon, but he needs to be cast out.

What he said, absolutely rattled me- for I was someone who was taught very well on Baptist/Evangelical/Reformed theology. Christians don’t have demons I was taught this so very well and I this believed.

DEMONS NEED TO BE CAST OUT:

Derek Price continued the message… what I remember is this: “Some demons are easy to cast out, but the demonic spirit of masturbation is an extremely powerful demon and more difficult to cast out… but no demon is bigger or greater then the power of Jesus Christ”.

Then he said something like, “I have learned that if a person has been touched inappropriately or sexually violated- often a demonic spirit gains entry to the victim and that is why many people who have been sexually abused often struggle themselves with sexual sins”.

Everything made sense now to me. I was an innocent child who was touched and since that moment I was addicted to masturbation. And for the first time in my life, I realized I was dealing with a demon of masturbation.

Derek Prince proceeded to start casting out demons.

As he was naming them off, I was naming them off, rebuking them and commanding them to leave me also in the name of Jesus. “Spirit of complaining you leave now in the name of Jesus”, “Spirit of Masturbation I rebuke you, be gone in the name of Jesus”. Every sin and demon that I though I struggled with I would also name them after Derek Prince and command them to leave me in the Name of Jesus.

How exactly it all happened I do not know. But what I knew that day was that Jesus SET ME FREE that day!!!

I was freed from masturbation and even when tempted – Jesus has kept me free for over two years now!

I was also freed from the spirit of complaining. Before being freed, I could not understand how not to complain. Complaining about everything was the most natural thing to me and to not complain seemed impossible. But now things were different!

Although I might still occasionally slip into this “respectable sin” I now recognize it immediately and it no longer has a stronghold in me.

Derek Prince is someone who has died many many years ago- but God is still using him to set captives like I was, free.

I was set free not in a church, but in my own bedroom, while listening to him preach and commanding the demons to go.

So many preachers I have listened to often proclaimed that they preached “the whole counsel of God” and yet not one of them I saw set captives free.

So many preachers preached powerful sermons on living holy, but did not know how to set captives free.

Paul said his message was not in words only, but in demonstration and POWER.

 “And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man’s wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:  That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God” 1 Corinthians 2:4-5

And for me to be set free, I had to hear a recorded message of a preacher who walked in spiritual authority and power of God- and God used him to set me free while listening to him on You Tube!

FINALLY FREE!!!!

I was around 31 years old when I finally was set free from the sin of masturbation and to this day, Jesus has kept me FREE!! But that means that for over 20 years or for two decades, I was enslaved to masturbation. So desperately wanting to be a good Christian, and yet struggling with it and not knowing where to turn to.

Jesus said the TRUTH SETS US FREE. But if we don’t know the TRUTH we can’t get freedom in the area where we don’t know the truth. And I was taught that Christians don’t need deliverance from demons.

 I was taught that if I am struggling with a sexual sin, then that means that I need to crucify the flesh, read the Bible more, pray, go to church, don’t watch/read anything that can trigger you. And I was doing all of these, but was still mastered by masturbation often.

Yes, we need to crucify the flesh, but when there is a habitual sin that no matter how much you try to crucify the flesh- you still fall into that sin and that sin is mastering you- instead of you it- then there is probably a demon that needs to be cast out.

I have found that many Christian denominations seem to be so out of balance and lean on one extreme or the other. Some focus on only casting out demons and do not preach the importance of crucifying the flesh. And our flesh can’t be cast out, it needs to be crucified.

Other Christians, only preach on crucifying the flesh, and nothing about casting out the demons.

Christians too, sometimes need deliverance from demons. But if they don’t believe they need that, then all their life they will be trying to crucify a demon when it needs to be cast out!!!

Yes our spirit is united with Christ and no demon can be in our spirit- but if we do not know who we are in Christ and the authority and riches we have in Him, then the demonic spirits can gain access to our bodies and souls.

I have decided that I would rather be FREED and WALK in VICTORY rather than hold on to my previous doctrinal beliefs.

I was outwardly a “good, devout, Christian who was secretly in bondage to a secret sin” -for too many years – who could not get freed in a Baptist church or the Reformed Theology. I still love my dear Baptist brothers and sisters in Christ, but I can no longer embrace all their doctrines.

There is something wrong with a doctrine that does not give room to set captives FREE.

There is something wrong with a doctrine that teaches so strongly on holy living but does not know how to SET CAPTIVES FREE who are in bondage.

There is something wrong with a doctrine that tries to counsel demons out instead of casting them out.

There is something wrong when there is no demonstration of the Spirit and of power in preaching (2 Corinthians 2:4-5).

About half a year after being delivered from the demonic oppression, I continued to listen to Derek Prince. After realizing how much I was taught in the church NOT to believe what the Bible said- I started to seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit.

For instance, I was taught that this passage no longer applies to our modern days:

“And these signs will accompany those who believe: in My name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 
they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” Mark 16:17-18 ESV

One day, after I listened to a sermon on You Tube by Derek Prince about How to Receive the Holy Spirit, I simply asked God baptize with the Holy Spirit, and that day- in my own bedroom- with no one laying hands on me, I received that precious gift and received the ability to pray in Heavenly Language.

Afterwards, I realized how much I was missing out in my life! So often, when I was in a difficult situation- sometimes I had no words to pray or did not know what to pray, but now I just let the Holy Spirit to pray through me- He always knows what is best in every situation and knows what to pray for!

After being delivered from the demons and being baptized with the Holy Spirit, I started to quickly grow spiritually so much more. It became easier to pray and commune with God.

I started to hunger for God’s Word more and started to have a deep desire not to just be a hearer of God’s Word- like I previously was, but I had the desire of being a DOER of GOD’s WORD.

WHEN TEMPTATION COMES…

You might be thinking… “Well do you still get tempted?” Absolutely- but only if I allow myself to dwell in fantasies or feed my flesh and not my spirit. But masturbation DOES NOT HAVE DOMINION OVER ME- and Jesus has kept me FREE from falling into practicing it!! PRAISE GOD!!

And if my body starts to want to tell me what to do, all I need to do is RENEW my mind more and remind my body and my soul WHO I AM IN CHRIST and what HE DID FOR ME!

I find that the best and the easiest way to gain victory, especially if being sexually tempted is to Proclaim OUT-LOUD and Personalize Romans Chapter 6. Normally I declare every verse, personalizing, but let me just give you examples of few verses of how I renew my mind to the Word of God using Romans 6 when I am being tempted: 

Vs 1-2 “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?”

I say, “I shall NOT CONTINUE in sin! I AM DEAD TO SIN and will NOT live any longer in it!”

Vs 6-8  “Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. 

For he that is dead is freed from sin. Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him”

I proclaim: My old man, my human nature is CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that now I should not serve sin!

I am dead to sin and am freed from sin. I am dead with Christ, and I believe I shall live with Him!

Vs 11-14  “Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. 

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. 

Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. 

For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace”  

I declare: I reckon myself to be dead indeed unto sin, and ALIVE UNTO GOD thought Jesus Christ my Lord! I DO NOT let SIN reign in my mortal body! I do not obey it in its lusts!

I DO not yield my members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin, I yield myself unto GOD, as one who is ALIVE FROM THE DEAD, and my members as instrument of righteousness unto God!

Sin SHALL NOT HAVE DOMINION OVER ME, for I am NOT UNDER THE LAW, but UNDER GRACE!

         -If needed, I become very specific with the sin I am struggling with, like “SIN of lust/ fantasies/ complaining/ gossip.. shall NOT have dominion over me!

If we slip into these sins, we should not be condemned, but turn back to God and continue to stand on the Word of God that these sins SHALL NOT have dominion over us!

Vs 18  “Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness”

Vs 22  “But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life”

I declare, “I was made FREE FROM SIN, and became the SERVANT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. I was made free from sin and became servant to GOD and have my fruit unto holiness and the end everlasting life!”

I find it very important, when renewing the mind to declare Scripture Out-Loud, not silently.

Renewing the MIND is the Key to Continue to Walk in Victory!

When we renew our mind by declaring the Word of GOD- declaring what GOD did for us- who we are in our spirit, than that starts to flow to our soul and mind, and our spirit starts to dominate us instead of our soul or body.

Temptation has no power when we walk in the Spirit!

I have noticed that when I consistently renew my mind to the Word of God, and to Who I am in Christ, I start to walk in boldness, authority and do not consciously sin.

It is when I become lazy and do not remind myself who I truly am as a child of God, than it becomes easy to slip into sin. But I can no longer live in sin, and usually repent, turn back quickly.

God is LOVE and He Never Stopped Loving Me, Even When I Sinned Over and Over Again! 

Such love, such love, I it can’t comprehend
Again again to me You whispered this:
“Neither do I condemn you..
Go sin no more, I you do not condemn”

Again, again I sinned, again all over
After each time, He still forgave, and loved
Each time He said that there’s no condemnation
To those who are in Christ- I’m not condemned 

I love You child, I love you, you are Mine
It was Your love that got me to repent
It was Your love, Your grace and Your forgiveness
It was Your love that picked me up again

You’re Mine, again You told me I was Yours
So pure and blameless, holy and accepted
You me accepted in Beloved and gave me
The robe of righteousness, abundant grace

Such love, such love so great, Lord You are worthy
You’re worthy of my love, You’re worthy worthy
I want to know You more and live for You
I want to walk with You, be in Your Presence

I’m Yours, I’m Yours again again You say
And I say Yes- I’m Yours and You are mine
You are my Lord, my Savior, Father too
And all my life I want to live for You

1/3/2022

God Delights in Our Intimacy with Him!

The religious world, taught me that because my love for God is puny compared to His infinitely greater love for me, than it almost seems like a crime for me to tell God “I love You”.

I remember I was often afraid and ashamed to tell God “I love You”. After all I was often reminded of how little I loved God, how quickly I fell into sin or chose to delight in scrolling through Facebook or the internet instead of delighting in God. So many sins so easily can us beset.

And many of my poetry that I wrote came from that heart of guilt and my unworthiness and how I did not deserve God’s love.

On Christmas Day of 2019, I remember the Lord placed it on my heart to write a poem of my love for Him. I hesitated as again, I felt unworthy- after all I desired to love Him more, but it seemed like I didn’t love Him enough to tell Him I love You.

When I hesitated, this is what the Lord taught me:

“Imagine a child always telling his or her parents, “I am so sorry… I messed up… I love you so little… I am so sorry… please forgive me… I’m unworthy of your love.. you love me so much more than I can ever love you… please forgive me for this or that…” Any good parent will realize something is wrong with a relationship when all a child can do is constantly feel unworthy of parents love and is unable to just receive love, delight in love, and give it back”.

But this is exactly how a lot of religion teaches people how to act with God. Religion prevents intimacy. We might feel unworthy of God’s love, but He still delights in our simple RECEIVING of HIS LOVE! And He delights in our sincere “I love You Lord!”

And when the Lord taught me that, the religious stronghold of my mind- that I couldn’t tell God I love You started to be destroyed! And I was free to write a poem, that the Lord so loves. And He sometimes gently would remind me to read it to Him again and again.

Actually, He reminded me of it and wanted me to finish this testimony with this poem in which He so delights. I am so loved by Him and I love Him also.

I have learned that receiving and delighting in God’s love is infinitely better than temporary trying to satisfy my body. Jesus is truly all we need. He truly satisfies our deepest desires!

I Love You Lord

I love You my Father
With all of my heart 
To You it belongs
And it beats for You Lord

I love You Lord Jesus
With all of my heart
By faith in it Christ dwells 
I’m rooted in love! 

I love You God’s Spirit
With all of my heart
You gave me the Spirit 
Of love, I fear not


I love You my Father
With all of my soul
In heavenly places
You blessed me in Christ

I love You Lord Jesus 
With all of my soul
My soul that was thirsty
You satisfied, filled

I love You God’s Spirit
With all of my soul
You comfort me greatly
And for me You groan


I love You my Father
With all of my strength
You strengthened me greatly
By Your glorious power

I love You Lord Jesus
With all of my strength
Because of You boldly
I come to God’s throne

I love You God’s Spirit
With all of my strength
I’m strengthened with might
By Your Spirit inside


I love You my Father 
With all of my mind 
You gave me the Spirit 
Of knowledge of God

I love You Lord Jesus
With all of my mind
And I let the mind
Of Christ in me dwell

I love You God’s Spirit
With all of my mind
You gave me the spirit
Of mind that is sound

I love Lord God
You first me have loved
And taught me to love You
With mind, strength, heart, soul